If we wanted to see your balls, we'd ask.
Making your tie fatter doesn't make you look thinner. It makes you look lonelier
Style inspiration from a Holocaust leader? What's next? A hook in place of your right hand?
The non-optional hairstyle for horses worldwide.
You think you look stylish. We think you can't afford a pound for the cloakroom.
They don't make you look like some wise, mystical karate master. They make you look single. Forever.
Put it this way: If your balls can't breathe, I don't think you should either.
I'd hate to make eye contact with someone wearing these, so thanks for the favour.
Considering that you let brands advertise on your head for free, do you mind if I write my website across your face?
You now look like your perceived worth. A two pence coin.
Fair enough if you're Jamaican, in Jamaica. Not if you're Chinese, selling jellied eels in Lambeth North.
Excellent. It's so much easier for us to strangle you now. You're too kind.
If you don't want us to see your feet, why not just wear shoes?
Unless you're an up and coming paedophile from Stepney green, please loosen your laces.
Pretending to look homeless? Why? You have a house.
Unless you plan to record yourself beating up your local crack head for upload on worldstarhiphop.com, we strongly suggest you leave these on the floor where they belong.
Would Rick Ross wear tailored shorts? No.
Would Anna Wintour ear Air Jordans? No.
Simon Cowell has high waisted trousers. Unfortunately you doing the same would resemble someone with high levels of waste. Not the same thing.
Wearing a hooded jumper under your suit makes as much sense as wearing a pair of loaves of bread as shoes. Yes they do a job but it is still very wrong.
Priests carry rosaries. Priests aren't typically cool or stylish. Ergo, dressing like one follows much the same principle.
Cowboys are cool. Dressing like one is not. Unless you're a stripper who looks like Jessica Alba. If you're a slightly overweight barman from Purley, best leave this one alone.
Less is more. The LESS you look like the bastard child of Claire's Accessories and Tie Rack vomited all over you, the MORE often pretty girls will talk to you. (This may or may not be true).
It’s all well and good adopting a more boho feel to your attire...
...but you look like you’re on your way to Ms. Ronaghan’s English class after a gruelling session of double P.E.
“Indeterminate sexual preference. Something retro on my necklace."
Google: 'Dickhead song'.
Listen intently and hang your head in shame.
Justin Bieber wears one. That should be all we have to say.
Think John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. If you're (still) walking to a Bee Gees soundtrack, we can't help you here. Only God can.
What you see: I'm a quirky guy at the cutting edge of fashion. Adore me.
What we see: I'm a grown man who watches 'One Tree Hill' in my Mum's basement. Naked.
If you buy your sunglasses for £5 off a rack and they're displayed alongside 'funky, oversized comedy frames', there's a good chance you share a bunkbed with your 35 year old younger brother. Not cool, friend. Not cool.
Tupac wore a bandana, but he was one of the finest orators of his generation. Yes, we know you're the best at Def Jam Rap Star in your house, but it just isn't the same...
Red Hat? Check. Red Jacket? Check. Red Belt? Check... Follow the trend and YOU too can look like a Dulux colour chart!
Wearing white socks with a suit was fine for Michael Jackson because he was the World's Greatest Entertainer and taught us to dance. Your name is Colin. No need to digress on this one, we think.
Men who wilfully expose their cleavage and aren't members of JLS or TOWIE, are statistically more likely to become serial killers. (The previous statement may or may not be true.)
Nothing says 'catwalk chic' more than a pair of loafers carefully juxtaposed with ankles and no socks. However, if the aforementioned ankles are dryer than a Bedouin barbecue, little blue men with backwards feet will locate you and kill you. Or not.